Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I hope Alan is OK

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single