Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.