Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.