Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
You Might Also Like
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty