Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter