me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
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When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.