me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
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When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?