Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.