Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.