Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?