Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

◾️

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]