me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Alexa; make it look like an accident
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
But that’s none of my business
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out