me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
seems fine
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Bobby pin
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
What my back needs
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there