Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.