Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
moms in horror movies
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.