Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Taliband

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either