Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
the noise i just made
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?