me hitting on a model
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
this will hang in the louvre one day
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you