me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.