Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

The happy life.. 😊

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

peeping toms