me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
BaD BoY!!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam