Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Childbirth is so beautiful

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.