Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together