Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
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step 6: release the wall snake
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”