Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.