Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Discuss

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Get in loser we’re going crying