Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Wednesday

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.