Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

This is not me but this is me

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

You might just have to resign…

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.