ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
True
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?