Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
You Might Also Like
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.