Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
You Might Also Like
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.