Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I feel it
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts