Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.