Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
You Might Also Like
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[adds another nod to the conversation]
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
This tweet has been deleted
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing