ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*