ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.