ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Life hack
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic