Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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😂 amazing answer
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.