Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns