Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

road rage

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.