Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
had to make it
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.