Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings