Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

me working on my assignments ^-^

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.