me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Aight bet
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.