Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

This will teach them to underestimate me

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.