Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Always

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

the clam before the storm

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday