[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
You Might Also Like
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*