Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
plums roundup
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.