Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

This is hilarious

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”