me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Simple
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?