Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

I’ve disappointed better people.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms