ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
💯😂
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
LMAO.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The French cow says MEUX…