ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.