ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My love language is deader than Latin
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.