ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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When your diet is finally over.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
A great tip. #CakeRex
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.