Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.