me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
You Might Also Like
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right