Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.