ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You Might Also Like
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.