ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Meanwhile in Portland…
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January