ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Haha good job!!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history