ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’m literally crying
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.