ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The booster protects against what, now?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]