ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!