me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
You Might Also Like
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
omg leave her alone
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up