Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

j o i m p

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?