Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Me :

All Day At Night

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.