Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home