Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
You Might Also Like
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
$4 #usedbooks
