Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO鈥橲 READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Aquarius: This week you鈥檙e feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
and this one
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that鈥檚 probably inaccurate.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Sorry, can鈥檛. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There鈥檚 no coming back from that.
Me: Soooo it鈥檚 our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.