@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

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@markleggett

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.

@Jeffwni

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

@ItsAndyRyan

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

@SlipperySecret

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

@Lisabug74

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@TankCesar

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*