People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
You Might Also Like
Skeletor: Nice ride
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?