Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

that would 100% work on me

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there