Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
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if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
She might be a genius
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor